English I don’t know about ya’ll but I grew up in foster care Anybody else grow up in foster care? Okay that’s what’s up Okay some other people in here Abandoned, abused and shit That’s what’s up You know how to move real fast Trow your clothes in trash bags And get the fuck out to the next place And that’s coming in handy in this economy right now Going into foster care, it kinda, it changed my life A lot of people say: “Tiffany why do you do comedy? You so pretty You should be a model or an actress or something” And I’m like: “Girl please I got a lazy eye and I can’t read that good so” And I used to get in trouble in school all the time For talking too much I just love to talk, I love to talk That’s probably why I can’t keep a relationship I talk too mother fucking much Oh well, I can suck dick though. Just pull your dick out, I stop talking You understand? You just gotta have a million dollars. Th-that’s all yo-you gotta Come with it You bitches suck dick for less? huh okay Anyways My grandma you know My grandma ended up raising me And I used to get in so much trouble And She told me that as a woman I gotta think of myself as a house I was like whaat grandma? She say: “yeah, every woman Need to think of herself as a house Now it’s one thing you got to remember baby Every man wants to come inside your house But you can’t be having all kind of men Going in and out of your house all the time Because then you gon [sic] be known as the crack house and you don’t wanna be that bitch So keep it clean and keep the grass cut Cause you don’t want people walking by thinking You got an abandoned house And don’t be going out late at night getting drunk and stuff Because someone will break into your house baby right through the backdoor They breaking right through And once you find a man that love you and care about you He’ll go ahead and He’ll sign that paperwork And He’ll put a ring on your finger and He will buy that house” And she said: ” There’s certain things that you gon have to do Once you find you a man to buy that house” And I want to know ladies in the audience How many of ya’ll got a husband? Got you a man? That’s taking care of you. That love you So the rest of you bitches is renting her own and lonely as fuck huh? Section 8 in your shit, I ain’t mad at you But granny said: “There’s certain things you gonna have to do on a daily basis That you ain’t gonna feel like doing everyday But baby girl as long as you do this one thing everyday your man will always Stay in your house Know what i mean?” I say: ” Grandma what you talking about? what you talking about?” And she say: “Baby girl you’re going to have to kiss that banana everyday” I say: “Ugh grandma that’s nasty. He probably don’t even wash his banana everyday What I look like kissing his banana everyday?” She say: “Ugh baby girl might be nasty but bitch ain’t lonely see here huh?”

100 thoughts on “My Body Is Like An Expensive House – PART 1 – Tiffany Haddish – Laugh Out Loud Comedy”

  1. LMAO!!! She had that grandma down pat!! I just love her!! Sheโ€™s beyond funny, if thereโ€™s such s thing! LOL!!!

  2. Ok I suck dick everyday or damn close to it. Morning head, road head, lazy head (thatโ€™s when I lay my head on his belly & let him thrust whenever) all kinds of head & let me tell you. My man is still an asshole, but he really gives it his all in the sack every damn night. Or close to it lmao

  3. Tiffany is a person that learned to love. She is incredible, i recommend to everyone to watch her in the new David Letterman show on Netflix

  4. She really does look like Whitney Houston,,,,(Bobby Brown Edition)!!! LMFAO ๐Ÿ—ฃ๏ธ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜…โœŠ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜™๐Ÿšฌ๐Ÿ—ฟ

  5. this dumb bitch no your body is not like a house. a house accumulates equity and value over time which your body does not .If anything your body is like an expensive car depreciates iโ€™ve time. i swear these hoes is delusional

  6. She should have her own travelling conference about just life issues. It shouldn't even be called stand up comedy. It's more like those talks nerds give about weird information nobody ever thinks about. She could call them "TIF Talks". Also, men ought to be chasing that woman down the street everywhere she goes! Tiffany is a high-quality person.

  7. I like her this is one of her better stand up route…really good like her films tooโญ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐ŸŽค

  8. She is obviously mistreated in her relationships so far . When you really love a woman you never force her do something she doesn't want to do . A woman must like it to do it , they are not all the same !

  9. lol its not easy to eat out… but the difference is when you have a natural disposition in seeing your partner satisfied. If you're not that person, just be upfront about it and accept you'll become a crazy divorced cat lady in the future.

  10. โ€œHave you ever sucked a dick before, son? That one time when yโ€™all was caught up in Korea rightโ€ right at the front row veteran like a champ ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  11. Also grew up in foster care but it didnโ€™t give me comedy skills just gave me major depression, anxiety, attachment issues and a few free therapy sessions

  12. Carpal tunnel in my throat!!!
    Love her!!! Sheโ€™s been hilarious
    ever since I saw her on Def Comedy
    Jam. D.L.Hughley was the host!
    Please watch it,youโ€™ll laugh
    your ass off!

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