Grif: Yeah, you— You fucking piece of shit! You suck! Tucker: Jesus, is that guy still yelling? Church: Yes. Tucker: He’s been yelling all morning! Tex: *sighs* We know. Tucker: Make him stop! Church: Oh, and how am I gonna do that? Tucker: Shoot ‘im with your snipe—Oh, never mind! I realized how stupid that sounded as soon as I started to say it. Grif: Hey! Blues! You still suck! Yeah, you! You fucking piece of shit! You suck! Simmons: Grif! What the hell are you doing up here? Grif: I’m doing my job, Simmons? I’m working on my part of the plan? Simmons: I thought your part of the plan was to build the bomb. Grif: Uh yeah, but I don’t know how to build a bomb? Simmons: Yeah, I know that. You don’t how to do anything. Grif: So, I’m yelling at the Blues—you guys still suck! Until I make them mad enough to bomb our base—idiots! So not only will they make me a bomb, I’ll get them to deliver it. For free! You guys are LAME! I HATE YOU! Simmons: That is actually the most sensible part of this plan I’ve heard so far. Your years of laziness have finally paid off in full, Private Grif. Grif: Thank you very much, Private Simmons. Now if you’ll excuse me, somebody needs to be called a cunt. Simmons: As you were, soldier. Grif: Hey you! Yeah, you! You dumb cunts! You suck! Hey up there. What are you talking about? Hah, Blue? Are you talking about how bad you suck? Because that’s what I’m doin’! I’m talkin’ about it right here, only louder, way louder! Because I’m yelling: BLUUUEEEEE TEEEAAAMMM SUUUUUUCKS Hey, Blue Team! Why are you so sad?! Is it because you suck so bad?! I THINK IT MIGHT BE! Tex: That’s it! I’m taking those fuckers out! Caboose, get my tool kit! Grif: Woohoo! Success! Church: What the hell is that? Tex: That is my bomb. You guys had an unused robot kit, so I used the parts from it to make this bad boy. Church: Oh, robot kit, right. We don’t need that now because… I never died. That makes sense. Caboose: Right! That was Andersmith’s job. Church: Stop it. Tucker: This thing doesn’t look like a bomb. It looks like a basketball. Andy: Oh yeah? Well you don’t look much like a soldier, dickhead! Tucker: Looks like a basketball, sounds like a fuckin’ asshole. Great. Tex: I had to include the voice synthesizer because it had the power unit. So now it can… talk. Andy: In other words: You want me to blow stuff up, you’re gonna have to blow me first! Tucker: Well, he’s pleasant. Tex: What do you expect? He’s a bomb! You want him to be polite, or you want to kill stuff? Tucker: I want him to shut up. Andy: Anybody care what I want? How about Tucker’s mother, polishing me 24— Tucker: Fuck this. I’m out. Andy: Out! Just like I got out of your sister! Tucker: Hey, fuck you, bowling ball! Tex: Okay? Let’s plant this bad boy. Andy: Yeah, let’s go! Church: Hey, uh, don’t forget to lift with your legs, Tex. Tex: Yeah, I know how to lift, jackass. I’ve been carryin’ this team the entire time I’ve been here. Tucker: I know I said I was leaving, but that was actually a really good burn! Zing! Sarge: Men! Today’s the day that will carry us to the victory against the planet. Simmons: You can’t fight a planet— Sarge: Now, I know there’s been /naysayers/ along the way, but thankfully we haven’t listened to Simmons. We stuck to the plan. Donut, do we have our drilling spot? Donut: Ready for action, sir! Sarge: Excellent! Grif! Is the bomb ready? Grif: Huh, should be here… any minute? Sarge: Perfect! And here’s our drilling machine! That will take us to the center of the Earth…-like planet! Donut: Wow! It’s huge! You built that? Sarge: You know it! Simmons: Sarge, even I have to admit that that’s pretty amazing Grif: You know what’s even more amazing? None of us saw it until he pointed it out to us. Sarge: Thanks. It took a lot of work and planning. I almost didn’t get it done! Simmons: Where did you even get the materials to build this? Sarge: I mined them using my excavator! That one. Donut: What? Donut: How did you build that? Sarge: I didn’t! I ordered it online! In the army catalog. Simmons: But why don’t we just—you know what, never mind. Grif: Once again, I have to say, none of us saw that until he pointed it out. Sarge: All right men, it’s time to put up or shut up. Let’s do this. Grif! We’re gonna need that bomb. Grif: Uh, yeah. I uh… just, uh, give me a minute.
*Tex whooshes by, camouflaged* Sarge: Grif! Don’t tell me that you didn’t— Andy: Ahem! Hi there. Grif: Oh, right, there we go! One bomb as requested. You’re welcome. Sarge: Haha, great! I take back all the things I ever said about you, Grif! Grif: My pleasure, sir. Andy: Tick, tick, tick, tick. Sarge: *groans* Why is this bomb ticking?
*Andy ticking in the background* Grif: Oh right, I didn’t think that part of the plan through all the way I guess. Uhh… We’re all gonna die now. Sarge: Grif. I take back the take-it back. Counselor: *distorted* Keep it in its case, and don’t let it touch anything else. Director: *distorted* Hello, there. Do you know your name? Delta: I am confused. Counselor: Do not be concerned. That is completely natural given your state. Delta: My state? Was I injured? Counselor: No. Do you feel as though you have been injured? Director: Counselor, please. Do not be concerned. You’re fine. You’re safe. Once again, do you know your name? Delta: Yes. I know my name. My name is… Alpha. Director: No. Your name is not Alpha. You are mistaken. Delta: I am sorry. I am confused. Counselor: Do not be concerned. This is perfectly normal given your state. Would you like to know your name? Delta: Yes, please. I would like to know my name. I feel very confused. Director: Your name is Delta. That is your name. Delta: Delta? Counselor: Yes. You are very wise, Delta. It is very nice to meet you. Delta: I think I remember you. Counselor: No, you have never met us before. You did not exist before today. Today is your birthday. Today is a great day. Director: Do you know your name? Delta: My name is Delta. Director: That is correct. Counselor: Delta? This is the Director. He is going to take good care of you. Delta: I’m glad to hear that. I am very confused. Director: Don’t worry, Delta, that will not last long. And when you feel better, we are going to do incredible things together, you and I. Incredible things. Simmons: Hello, everyone. Now that we have our own YouTube channel, I’ve taken the liberty of reorganizing everything for a streamlined viewing experience. Just hit subscribe to put it to use. Grif: *offscreen* You’re supposed to convince them to subscribe, not put them to sleep! You loser. Simmons: *sighs* I hate him so much.