– Tommy, You’ve been driving for hours. – I could take the wheel for a while. – Tommy Steale lives for the open road! – He’s a free bird. – We’ve been in this ruddy submarine since Tuesday. – I haven’t had a shag in two days! – A man has needs! – That didn’t stop you from ruining my linens. – One of these days you’ll find yourself hoisted by your own petard – Hoisted by my own petard is what ruined your sheets – In’it? – My unmentionables! – Save my manties! – We’re hit! (Screaming and tires screeching) (Crashes) – I’ve been penetrated! – And not in a good way! – Get this rod out of me! (Screaming) – Don’t worry Ripher, keep pushing! – I can see it’s head! – Bloody hell! (Rock music) – Never fear my dears, I’ll get us out of here! (Dialling) (Ringing) – Is you calling an ambulance, mate? – Maax! It’s Spunkie! (Who?) – It’s me! Your old pal and Protégé, Spunkie! – From Sex Swing? – The band you manage? (Sparkie, Baby!) – Maxie, we had a ‘little’ accident with Van Halen. (Groaning) – Max, are you alright? – Uh, No! I’m not GD Alright! – I got an ulcer the size of my ex-wives clitoris! – Poor Diane! – She’s a saint for carrying that thing around. (Groaning) – Speaking of burdens. – It’s Max to the rescue, once again! – Here’s what you’re going to do! – You’re gonna call my friend, Anton. He’s a junker in Alpaso – Don’t tell him you know me! – Second! (Phone cuts off) – Max? – Max!? – What after Anton? – What after Anton!? – Hello? – Christ on a cracker – The batteries pooped the bed! – Ugh, I’m gonna ruddy die out here, in’it? – If you die… – Can I have your pole? – Quit crying, you wet nosed diaper dandies. – Salvation is upon us! – I would say this place is hybrid heaven But that would be redundant – V8 turbo diesel – 4 Speed automatic – And a place to stack the bodies. – I like that one! – Perhaps there is someone of ambulatory vehicle – Containing first-aid equipment? – I mean… – That breezer looks wicked ace, mate – Who dares go there? – Is that you God? – I regret nothing! – Pardon our manners… Or rather Lack thereof – We’re sex swing. – A Rock band – Who currently find ourselves in a predicament – Not unlike our traveling, minstrel, forefathers of your – You see… we were (Gun Shot) – Fear on a pogostick! – If you think you’re going to scare Tommy Steale – With a couple of pussy pellets – You ain’t gonna… (Gun Shot) – Holy crawl! – Run for the trenches! We’re out gunned! – This dealership is dead! – And you will be too if- (Gun Shot) – Over here, comrades! – Hurry! – You saved us, stranger! – But… who are you? – Billy Zane?! (Steve Zahn!) – What are you doing here? – All shall be revealed. – But first… – Hot Cocoa? – Zane, where’d a glory hole like you learn to bust a slug like that? – 2011 – Sniper reloaded. – It takes more than a pretty face – To bring an inexperienced civilian turned deadly sniper – Richard Miller, To real life. – For a second time… – Tommy Steale don’t understand a goddamn word you just said – Excuse me mate, do you have a Band-Aid or something – Maybe some Gauze? – Masking tape? – A decorative sticker? – I’m really losing a lot of blood here, mate. – I wish I could help you… – But unfortunately I’ve never portrayed a doctor – On screen or stage – It would be… – Unethical of me… – Billy… – What in the world wide web just happened out there? – This dealership used to be a place of light… – Of love… – Of 12 month financing no money down – It was the Zane family car dealership – It’s been in my family for generations. – As a child… – I one day desired to become a car sales man. – The best car sales man! – But life doesn’t always work out the way you hope… – The sales man game wasn’t my forte – I had no choice but to give up my dealership dreams – And pursue my fall back career… – In acting. – My twin brother on the other hand… – Twin brother!? – Willy Zane. – Willy was the one who wanted to be an actor… – He was crap at it. – I tried to get him some big parts but… – No one wanted a guy who looked like Billy Zane but couldn’t act – And while I was away acting… – Willy turned deranged and obsessive! – He locked the dealerships gates! – His control ultimate, His revenge! – Complete… – Ooh, it’s like something out of a movie! – A movie, I can handle. – I know movies like the back of my hand. – Willy scares off every customer. – We haven’t sold a car in months – Even though our deal are… In-Zane – Sell a car to us! – We need a new van! – I Can’t… – Willy will never allow it. – Sounds to Tommy Steale that willy needs – A Boot up his mud hole! – Yeah! – Don’t do it! – You’ll get us killed! – Get out here, Willy Zane! – And show Tommy Steale your mud hole! – Please, Willy… Why are you acting this way? – I told you never to use the A word! – You will sell Tommy Steale a mini van – Or face the wrath of Rock – (Laughter) I don’t think I’ll be doing that! – I was supposed to ride away… – The horse wouldn’t move. – (Weakly) Excuse me, Purple man… – Is there a hospital around here? – Wee! (Ow!) – Enough! – I’ll make you a deal… – I’ll sell you a new van.. – But only if you can best me – Willy Zane, In a death race! – 0% APR for 12 months, 250 down! – Due at lease signing – You’re on! – Excellent! – This is a box office nightmare. – Trust me, I’d know. – There is no way we can beat Willy! – You just put Tommy Steale behind the wheel – And that interest rate is as good as ours! – We don’t even have a wheel to out you behind – Willy isn’t going to just give us a car! – I have an idea! – A poptart… but the filling is on the outside! – Someone make that… – That’s it! – If we don’t have a car – We can make one. – It may not be pretty… – But if we work together and put some of this scrap to use. – It’s done. – Behold! – Van Morrison! – Simply Titanic. – A savvy traveller is prepared for any situation. – Including a death race! – I think I see a bloody angel. – And she’s waiting for me at the pearly gates. – And her knockers are ruddy perfect! – Are you prepared to lose? Losers! – Willy we don’t have to do this! – Quite, Brother! The time for words is over! – It’s time for wheels! 3… 2… 1… (Whooo!) – Look out! Chocolate syrup ahoy! – Curse you, Sex Swing. – You can’t get away from me! – We ain’t gonna make it! The car is too heavy! – (Sigh) Can’t believe I’m doing this! – Give it up, Sex swing. – There is no way you can win! – Not if I… Can ruddy… help it. (Cheering) (Steve Zahn, Steve Zahn, Steve Zahn) – I see now what my jealousy has done – To us and our beautiful car dealership – Can you forgive me brother? – Willy… – There’s nothing to forgive. – I am overjoyed! – Uh, Sex swing! – Allow me to fetch your prize. – Thank you my friends… – Though originally I thought you’d be vagabonds – and quite frankly monkey people. – I say now that you are truly wonderful spirits – This must feel even better than winning an Oscar, huh Billy? – I was lying! Now prepare to die! – I couldn’t save Rose & Jack, But I can save you! – No!! (Crashing) – I can’t believe it… I thought he really changed – There is no way you would have know he was insane, Billy. – It’s not the end, mate. – And remember – Sometimes your family ain’t the ones who drop out your mum’s fanny – Sometimes your family is the one you make yourself. – The one that cares about your wellbeing above all else. – Uh, Thanks guys. – Now I think it’s time that Van Morrison finds a worthy successor. – Don’t you? – Are you sure you don’t want something… A bit fancier? – I got these clothes from a dead clown. – Or at least he said he was. – They don’t make them like this anymore. – Well legally, they can’t! – Best of travels, my friends! – Goodbye, Billy! – Thank you for everything! – You rock, Billy Zane. – See you Tomorrow! – It’s done. – They’re on their way to you. – The operation was a success! – We removed the object from your body, Mr The-Ripher (Cheering) – But you have aids…

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