Welcome back to my channel. If you are new here my name is Tom Harlock, and I do not have an intro. But I do have an insatiable, disarming, and overwhelming need to prove to my peers that I am, in fact, better than them. It’s pretty much the only reason why I have a Facebook account. Whenever I feel ugly or unaccomplished, I like to log on to Facebook and remind myself… Thank god I’m me. If you’ve never heard of Facebook, you either live under a rock, or perhaps you’re Chinese. Either way, ni-hao! Facebook has millions of uses every single day, posting photos, sharing updates, and discussing their favorite things in groups. There are so many different types of Facebook users… You have the lads who replace their personalities with big exhausts, broom broom. You have old people who hate young people merely for existing, and my personal favorite and the topic of today’s video: yummy mummies. I wanna be very clear before I start this video, having a Facebook and being with child does not a Facebook mummy make. However if you’re with child, and you’re worried where you stand, I have an easy checklist: Number one) Do you enjoy minion memes? Number two) Have you ever- EVER diagnosed a child with meningitis and proceeded to cure them with two drops of vanilla essential oils? Number three) Have you ever sent a Facebook message starting: “Hey hun, love your page.” “Would you like to earn some extra money per week from home, working from home.” “So you can look after your kids from home, get free makeup to play with as well,” “and it’s all from home. Hey hun-” If so, I’m so sorry to diagnose you over the camera like this, but unfortunately … You are a yummy mummy, and the only way you can cure yourself of this disgusting disease is to delete your account. In an effort to find out more about the type of people who post shit like: “Moms should get a fast pass to the front of the line at coffee shops.” “Honey, you’re 22 and you slept 10 hours last night? Get to the back of the line, bitch.” Firstly, do you think I look 22? And secondly, do you think I look like I got ten hours worth of sleep last night? I’ve decided to go undercover as a Facebook yummy mummy. I’ve curated a very complex three-pronged attack, it involves a lot of Red Bull, and Phase 1) I make a fake email address, I make a fake Facebook, I use a very generic name with a little bit of spice. Time for a top tip: If you ever need a picture of someone, and you don’t want to use an actual human being because that’s a bit weird and creepy, and probably against the law. Go to thispersondoesnotexist.com and it automatically computer generates a different person, who isn’t actually real, using a combination of other people’s features and automatic shit. I don’t really understand it. It’s A.I. Do I look like a robot? End of my top tip. Once I have a family saved, I upload the photos, then good. Time for phase 2) Firstly, a little bit more Red Bull Join some groups. When you join a Facebook group, sometimes it might ask you to answer some questions. Tom’s top tip for these questions: Just tell them what they want to hear. For example: the Vaccine Educated Christian Moms group asked me, “Why would you like to join us?” You just gotta tell them what they wanna hear. “Hate vaccines, love God.” Some of the questions can get pretty specific. “If you’re also a step mom, do you agree or disagree that other step moms aren’t so lovely?” “I love everyone.” Leave a little status to keep things personal. “Love my baby, my God, essential oils, and feeling great about my ethical choices.” And now it’s simply a case of waiting to be approved, so we can initiate Phase three) [spy movie music] Cause drama. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me, and I’m feeling malicious. I think I’m wearing quite a good outfit to be in young mummy groups as well because turtlenecks scream sophistication, class, and intelligence. And the leather jacket just
says, “Trust me, I know what I’m doing.” However, if I do take this leather jacket
off, does anyone remember that picture of The Rock? Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He’s got a turtleneck on, blue jeans, and the silver chain around his neck? Well … I look like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, but with just a little bit more muscle mass. Anyway, enough of that dramatic mess… Hopefully, my home page on Facebook will be full of lovely young yummy mums looking for advice and help in this big cruel world, and I’m here to give it to them. “Show me nails, ladies.” Oh God, this is perfect. Let’s talk shit about some girl’s nails. This is a fat joke, look how absolutely disgusting they are. “Do you need a lawyer hon?” “Stunning.” This young yummy mummy is pregnant, she needs some help apparently, and I’m here to give it to her. “Okay, I need some help. My fiancé had a vasectomy two and a half years ago,” (That’s the Snip.) “They say I am four weeks along.” “If it is true I conceived the night my grandfather died, it was a month ago yesterday.” “I am freaking out. I feel like if this is true, it’s a sign.” I can’t picture a situation where I’ve had a close relative died, and I thought “Mm… Nothing more I wanna do than to spurge the night away.” “Oh yes, I’ve had a terrible day.” “My grandfather’s just passed away, do you wanna be in me?” There’s no way this woman’s not cheating on her husband with her granddad, or something. “Is this normal after giving birth via
c-section?” Imagine asking for feet pics and getting sent these, I would exercise my consumer rights. There’s no way you’re gonna get away with passing off those hooves as human feet. “Okay so I thought I had more time, but I’ve seen the doctor today and I’m having her in two weeks.” “Anyone want to help with some baby girl names?” Names so far that have been suggested: Stell Mae- Stell fucking Mae? No offensive if any- actually no, full offence. If any of you are called Stell Mae, your parents don’t love you. Mya Ann- these names are not even real. Kynz- [chokes] Kynzley Grace and Noelle
Kaelynn. The caucasity … If Lele Smith doesn’t let this lady know that her baby names are fucking atrocious, who is? She could have a fourth baby and call it … [deep breath] Holocaustius Hiroshiminium. Hopefully she’s had all three of her babies in the last 30 days, so she can change the names, or get a money-back guarantee. Let’s leave a constructive, yet firm comment. “My kids will bully your kids.” Oh, this is a really good essential-oils-for-moms group. I’ve actually brought some essential oils for the occasion, Just in case I get any recipes on how to fix my life, thought I would have them handy. Frankincense, mulled wine, “Yuletide spice”, and orange and cinnamon. So hopefully, I can whip up a concoction and stop the Nazis from ever happening. The only way we’re gonna find Madeleine McCann is if we get essential oils on the case. “Woke up with a terrible bout of polio this
morning, but I had one sniff of frankincense essential oil, and fuck me sideways …” “Feel great.” The great thing about Facebook groups is you can ask loads of questions, and people will come back to you and give you some advice. “Hello ladies.Which oil do you recommend for fighting the Nazis?” Something simple like that can really set the tone, and let other women know that you are more intelligent than them because you know about Nazis. One of my least favorite things about parents on Facebook is their inability to not over-share every single aspect of their lives. Just because your child is your child, does not mean it’s the best child that’s ever existed. “Sorry about face, she was eating.” “She had a blister on her tongue, and we’re taking her to the doctor at four o’clock today.” “Anyone’s kids ever had this?” I’m so glad that when I was a kid, Facebook didn’t exist, because if my mum had the audacity to put photos like this, of me, online, I would fucking kill myself. “I need some crafty ideas to make a birthday gift with my daughter.” “For her father who I’m not with.” “She’s seven months old. Pic for attention.” Aw, that is quite a cute kid. Best birthday present you can do is just never contact him again, let him have a new family. “Just need help, someone I know wants to start potty training her two year-old son, and this is our first boy she needs ideas.” Got some perfect advice for you, if I’m completely honest. “I just let my son shit all over the walls.” I accidentally said that this woman’s horrible nails were stunning, and she replied saying “thank you” so now I’m gonna have to give her a dose of reality. Actually, no I’m gonna let her live in this fake fantasy of me liking her nails for a little bit longer. “What did you ask for hon? Looks amazing.” If I need this lady’s horrible nails, I need to get a gel full set with Stardust, and metallic sparkles. “Thanks hon.” My Apple watch is telling me to breathe, that’s how stressed I am about being nice to somebody. I’m not gonna stand up and breathe, I’m gonna relish in my stress. Who on earth is this guy replying the
comments? I can be very judgmental. “Excuse me sir, this is a safe space for women.” What the fu- [cackling] Sanitary towel, some lavender essential oils, some aloe vera and witch hazel … Almost trying to burn the yeast infection out of them, aren’t they? Jesus Christ. Mummy’s top tip: If you’ve got pond rot, just get a tampon and douse it in bleach before you put it up inside yourself, it clears all the bacteria. It’s great, amazing. Yeast begone! “My three and a half month year-old doesn’t like to sleep at all.” “It’s a battle every evening,” Top tip for stressed-out new mums: If your baby’s crying and you can’t get it to go to sleep just shake it really hard until its batteries fall out. “So, my two-year-old has a diaper rash that just won’t go away.” “It looks awful when it’s- ” Who the fuck is looking at your baby’s ass long enough to be- Anyway … “It’s starting to peel and flake. Does anybody have any experience with a rash of this persistence?” Try cleaning your baby a bit more, if completely honest. It doesn’t take a miracle worker to figure out that your baby needs soap and water on its ass. “Orange oil works great hun.” “What’s a good vitamin or supplement brand to take to gain a better memory?” “I’m so forgetful, and really need some ideas on how to have a better memory.” “It’s a little scary sometimes.” “Just try not forgetting so much, hun.” Another big part of a yummy mummy world, is the parents who feel like just because they have children, they have a level of humor and understanding that nobody else can. “Funny how drinking eight cups of water a day seems impossible.” “But eight beers and seven shots in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.” Imagine if that fat kid was your child you’d get me done for bullying. “A woman in the elevator just complimented me on my hair, and then I complimented her on her shoes.” “When we got to our floor my five-year-old whispers, ‘Are you friends?’ ‘Why are you saying nice things about each other?’ And then straight out of the movie scene from a movie the woman re-opens the elevator door and
says, ‘Because we’re women, and honestly, honey … it’s our job to hold each other up.’ ” Damn straight, sis. “Didn’t happen though, did it?” “I no longer vaccinate because vaccines almost killed my son.” If your son received any – and I mean any – of the features that are on your face – any – a singular one- you’ve not got one feature that I’m in awe of- you’ve killed him already. “Which is the real epidemic: 36 cases of measles lasting about two weeks, or 1 in 36 children with autism, a lifelong
disability, or death after vaccination?” Pooh-Bear and Piglet you’re the only reason children are dying. Don’t think correlation implies causation but okay go off. “I am disgusted with the fact that we’re injecting babies with known poison.” I’ll probably take your advice on things when you own a moisturizer and a deep conditioner. “Your 40s are good, your 50s are great, your 60s are fab, and your 70- well- 70 is fucking awesome.” I can’t actually be bothered living that long I’m 25 years old, do you think I have it in me to live another 45 years? “Of the currently living about 320 million Americans, about 45 million will develop Alzheimer’s- ” and approximately 45 million of them 45 million won’t even know about it. In my humble opinion, Alzheimer’s is the gift that keeps on giving. Yeah, it may suck losing all your memories and shit, but you’re not gonna remember it in the morning. “Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?” That feels like a personal attack. There’s nothing quite more mumsy on Facebook than minion memes. “Going on a trip, need about four outfits, I’ve packed 35 just to be safe.” Firstly, no you fucking didn’t. Minions don’t wear proper outfits they wear dungarees at best, hard hat if they’re feeling fruity, and nothing in-between. Morning: Tired. Afternoon: Dying for a rest. Night: Can’t sleep. [scoffs] Isn’t that just the way it always goes, Mr. minion man? Us yummy mummies, we really are living the same lives in different bodies. I think that’s all the slagging off I’ve got in my bones for today. But if you guys want to see a part two to
this video, I’m gonna keep this Facebook account live and thriving, so let me know down below in the comments if you wanna see more. Make sure to subscribe. If you guys are around in the Netherlands, I’m gonna be there next week so, make sure you attack me VIOLENTLY, so I can have a shining star of the beginning of Twitter’s top trending page. “Tom Harlock, young British hunk, gets attacked in the Netherlands by anti-vaxxer brigade.” I can’t wait. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram if you feel the need. Make sure to purchase your essential oils in the battle against vaccines. Love you, bye. [Matt Sellors’ “Honey” plays]

100 thoughts on “Undercover as a Facebook Yummy Mummy”

  1. 🤣 this made my day. I’m 22, a mum and I can’t stand most of the mums in the mums groups 😂

  2. "just shake it really hard until it's batteries fall out…" OMG I can't WAIT to post that on the next Mommy Blog that reaches out to me!

  3. "She could have a 4th baby and call it Holocaustious Heroshmemian" 😳😐😲😲😲🤣😭☠

  4. “Welcome back to my channel if you are new here my name is Tom Harlock and I do not have an intro but” is his intro

  5. there were so many times when you could have said something insightful, useful, funny, or interesting about crazy anti vax moms but you chose to spend the whole video mocking any kind of earnestness you saw and criticizing strangers appearances instead

  6. please show their responses if u do a part 2 lmao idea for sth to get yummy mummies attention: tell them your kid ate a conker and ur scared they'll die bc you don't trust doctors.

  7. there is something about your voice…. it makes me so relaxed, maybe i should start watching your videos instead of asmr lol

    (greetings from russia btw 👀)

  8. Does anyone else say "if you are new here my name is Tom harlock and I do not have an intro " with him??

  9. 4:31 omg those just look bad it would have looked better with one color…damn even a guy knows this…

  10. 😂😂😂 omg on point
    I’m a 28 yo mom of a 3yo

    And I am kinda #guilty
    🤣

    I ONLY have YouTube and fb

  11. these “pro life” yummy mummies would rather their kids die as toddlers rather than their kid have autism. sounds ableist, but go off i guess

  12. I was only half paying attention but when you recommended orange oil I lost my shit.
    THAT'S SO FUCKING DANGEROUS LIKE I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING THAT CAN SERIOUSLY INJURE A CHILD

  13. "Hello ladies. Which oil do you recommend for fighting the nazis?"

    i don't recommend watching this while eating m&ms.

  14. “Shake it really hard until the batteries fall out” I laughed and then felt bad for laughing but then laughed again.

    You make me morally confused and I love it.

  15. My mom is a yummy mummy (but I’m vaccinated thank god) she always takes pictures of me and my two siblings sleeping the night before the first day of school and posts them on Facebook. It’s really invasive and we’ve all asked her to stop multiple times but she thinks that it’s cute. All the moms from school follow my mom on Facebook…it’s a nightmare.

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