– AUDIENCE: [laughing] – I used to live in LA
’cause Jesus loves me. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – But the problem is when
I moved to LA I didn’t see
more than five black people on the first three months
and I was like, “Okay. I’ve seen TV.
I know they out here.” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – “Where’d you put ’em?”
– AUDIENCE: [laughing] – But I didn’t know I was
the one in the wrong. Right? I lived in East LA,
I lived in Highland Park. And I lived in
a Mexican-American neighborhood that was quickly getting
gentrified, so they were confused what
my black ass was doing there. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – So I got tías
and dudes in buns looking real suspicious at me. I’m like, “Hey, man,
I’m just here for nachos, I don’t want no problems.”
– AUDIENCE: [laughing] – And then, I speak Spanish,
so the Mexicans thought I was a spy, I’m like,
“Nah, man, I’m just trying to get
hooked up on these nachos.” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – And there’s this one Lyft
driver I used to get all the time. And one day, I guess he had
had it, ’cause I got in the car and he was like, “Dulce?”
“Yeah?” “Where you from?”
“Atlanta.” “Nah…where’s your mom from?” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – “Miami.”
“Nah. Where’s your grandma from?”
Dude, take me home! – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – I’m not here for your
Lyft 23 and Me, Jorge, take me the hell home, dawg! – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – You wanna crack this mystery?
I got a Spanish name ’cause my mama grew up in Miami, the only Spanish she knows is
food and my name is food, okay? – AUDIENCE: [laughing] [cheering and applause] – I finally did see
a black lady, I was in Target, we saw each other and went,
“Ooh!” Don’t do that when you see us,
it’s rude. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – So we went, “Ooh!” And I was
like, “What up, auntie?” ‘Cause she was a auntie and…
I walked right up to her, “Hey, auntie, uh,
quick question. Where are the rest of us?” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – And she was like, “Oh, girl,
you in the wrong neighborhood, you gotta go to, like, Compton,
or Inglewood,” I was like “Ooh, ooh, ooh. Um, I’m second-generation
suburbs, uh…” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – “I don’t wanna go to hood
movie places “to see black people. Where the brunching Negroes at?” – AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[applause] – “I’m a mimosa nigger myself,
where…” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – And she was like,
“Brunch? What’s brunch?” I was like,
“Bitch, we’re in Target.” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – “That is a Walmart question,
how dare you?” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – “People have shoes on,
what are you doing?” – AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[applause] – [sighs] I’m single.
Which is confusing. – WOMAN: Good!
– No, it’s not. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – ‘Cause I have boobs big enough for each of them to have
their own boyfriend. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – If you want big titties,
go to church, that’s what I did. These Gs came from Jesus,
you’re welcome. Listen. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – I get real confused ’cause
I’m like, “Men love titties.” Right?
– AUDIENCE: [laughing] – And they love a big ass,
I have both of those. So I’m like, alright
“Two, plus two,equals married.” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – Yeah, it’s weird to get up
in the morning and be beautiful and single and be like,
“What the fuck is happening?” And it did hit me real hard
’cause I’m in my 30s, don’t tell my manager,
I’m in my 30s. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – And my best friend,
she tried to warn me, she was like,
“Listen, when you turn 30, your body’s gonna freak out,” and I was like,
“Lies, bitch, lies.” And then I turned 30,
and my biological clock went from snooze
to European techno. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – So now every time I see
a child I just hear “Bah, bah, have a baby,
bam, it’s awesome, bam, and I love you–”
wait a minute. I’ve things to do today, okay? Are there any women here
in their 20s? – WOMEN: [cheering] – Alright, let me talk to
y’all for a second, ’cause I…nobody told me,
you have to listen to me, I’m a black woman, that’s why
Oprah’s a billionaire, okay? You have to listen to me.
Oprah’s the only reason white women read,
let’s talk about that. So…
– AUDIENCE: [laughing] – I need to tell you something
’cause nobody tried to warn me and I didn’t wanna listen,
nobody told me, so I’m trying to help you out,
I want you all to know, you’ve never been horny before. – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – I’m telling you right now,
they didn’t tell me, alright? You know what that silence is?
Every woman in her 30s going, “Tell
these bitches the truth.” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – Nobody told me. Because I don’t wanna have sex,
I wanna mate, that’s a completely different
part of your brain. Okay? You don’t think I didn’t walk
in here and figured out at least five dudes I wanna
bang before this special’s over? You’re crazy hot, sir,
I’m not kidding! – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – What up, green shirt?
This is not a joke! – AUDIENCE: [laughing] [cheering and applause] – Glasses, what’s up? Listen,
I am not playing with y’all! Okay? ‘Cause I wake up
every morning and my body goes, “Give me a baby!” I’m like,
“Man, I gotta go to work today.” – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – “Give me a baby.” I gotta
catch a flight not a fetus. No, I can’t.
– AUDIENCE: [laughing] – “Give me a baby!” Listen,
I need a child ’cause I look like the mother of three
since I was 15 years old, okay? – AUDIENCE: [laughing] – And I’m not saying that
to be messed up, I’ve had huge boobs and this
body–I look like somebody should be asking me questions
on a regular basis, that’s all I’m saying. – AUDIENCE: [laughing]

100 thoughts on “Your Body Freaks Out in Your Thirties – Dulcé Sloan”

  1. Haha 'I look like someone should be asking me questions on the regular" haha. Thats the best and worst thing about kids!

  2. "I'm like alright….2 plus 2 equals married" 🤣🤣🤣

    Nnnooooo! Ugh….Don't tell me that! I'll be 30 real deal dang soon 😭🤣😭

  3. I think my biological clock has fur. I want another kitten no damn baby and I'm 38 and I've heard for 20 years that I'll want kids eventually 😂

  4. My mate clock definitely switched on at 29…and I swore I never wanted kids…next thing, I'm dreaming of babies. And went on the hunt to get me some baby batter…smh…I relive my childless days in a distant memory…😒😂

  5. I absolutely love Dulce! She's so on point and hitting it home it's personal. I can relate to a lot of what she says as a woman in my 30s, lol. She's hilarious! And I love her sass, and her dress!

  6. This is just sad truth . I wish I had at least one baby before turning 30 . Don’t put it off too late, but don’t be a single mother either, it’s important to have a full family. Don’t buy into Hollywood and media bullshit propaganda.

  7. As a woman who will be 36 in april, I am telling you : she is so right about your body freaking out when you are in your 30s, that's real!

  8. Im in my 30s and she's not lying bout being on another level of horny! Its ridiculous. I tell my subconscious to die everytime those baby thoughts try to surface. That "I gotta catch a flight not a fetus, no I cant…" comment is so me 😆 #nobabyzone

  9. Turned 30 in October and she tells no lies. My hormones are out of control 🙅🏾‍♀️🙅🏾‍♀️🙅🏾‍♀️🙅🏾‍♀️🙅🏾‍♀️

  10. She's a fucking natural at this. Calm and collected but serving us comedy in every level! I love when I see people doing exactly what they were called to do in life!

  11. Spot on!!! Wait until your 40!!!! Your biological clock is going to look for that ‘last chance’ and then you won’t care anymore.

  12. I’m aware that my body will start wanting children very soon, turning 30 this year, and I’m so scared. I’ve never wanted children for so many reasons and I’m so worried my lizard brain will take over and make me want to have ten babies.

  13. 🤣🤣🤣 I can relate to the whole your body wants to make you have a baby thing. However it's starting for younger for me. My second child will be coming when I'm 22 because I'm crazy

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